Jumbled

by thewallflowerchapter

It’s been a jumbled up sort of 2 weeks, and I’ve been having difficulty sorting out my many thoughts… Thought I’ll write them down here n try to make sense of some.

Being sick really reminds me of the frailty of humans, and mums. I realised I can’t always be there for my child, and I need help. And I readily accept help. Health cannot be taken for granted, I thank God for every healthy day we’ve enjoyed.

GY brought up recently in our conversation that it seems I might be regretting having the little berry. I was shocked that he would think so, and was very bothered after that. What made him reach this conclusion? Is it my yearning for free time? My plan to place her with mr parents on a public holiday so I can rest n hopefully recover?

I guess craving for personal time is something every mother faces. From the moment I wake up to the time GY brings her to bed, I’m usually occupied with meal preparations, diaper changes, bathing, playing, feeding, seeing to potty needs, disciplining, etc. For man introvert who needs lots of personal time, I’m still getting used to this new pace of life. And with Miriam’s coming, I’m intentionally trying to carve out more personal time before the dam bursts open.

Which brings me to another topic. Miriam’s coming. I realised that the overwhelming sentiment I feel on this subject is fear. I wish I can say I’m excited, or happy (which I am), but the truth is, I’m fearful.

I remember my early days with the little berry and I remember how hard they were, those sleep-deprived, constantly-with-a-headache, always-nursing, always-carrying and bouncing baby, never-an-off guard-moment days.

I remember the black and white curtains closing down on me, the tears that just flowed for no reason, the fear I had whenever the sun sets.

I remember how I struggled watching my family eat outside food, how I just physically am not able to perform basic duties for the family like cooking, cleaning, laundry, because I am preoccupied with the baby all the time.

I remember how I felt like a bad wife. How disconnected I felt from GY. How alone, and scary it was.

And whilst I look forward to Miriam, I don’t look forward to reliving these fears again. Yes we got a confinement nanny this time, but I’m v bad at managing people, and having to manage her is another stressor I have to face.

I also fear for my relationship with the little berry. I would hate to see her wonder why mummy doesn’t spend time with her anymore, why mummy is always preoccupied with mei mei, why is mummy always so tired, why can’t mummy read to her as often? My heart breaks just thinking about these.

So as I try to find some time to myself during this period, it’s also a constant struggle within me to spend as much time as I can with her.

Perhaps my thoughts are so jumbled up because I’ve hardly been able to find an extended period of solitude with God lately. My quiet times are brief, 5-min affairs and I don’t “pray unceasingly” as the bible tells us to.

Dear God, you know these thoughts I have. You know these fears that plague me, these questions I have no answer to, and my apprehension at what lies ahead.

Lord I commit every thought, every fear, every struggle I have to you. I pray for the peace of Christ to take over my anxious mind. I pray that I’ll remember you’re in control, and that I never was and never will be.

I pray against all joy-robbers in my thought life, I pray that you’ll replace my anxiety with your peace and assurance that you’ll see me through come what may.

I pray that GY and I will have a chance to talk and pray this through, and I won’t feel disconnected to him even before Miriam comes.

I pray that I’ll find anchors in your Word to cling on to. That I’ll remember I’m also your previous daughter, whom you love dearly. Lord I pray that I’ll find delight in your presence again, delight in life n my family again. In Jesus’ name, amen.

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