by thewallflowerchapter

I’m supposed to be sleeping because I’m unwell, but somehow I need to process this in my mind, this issue has been bugging me too often, too long…

Food has often been a topic of contention between GY and myself. We are two very different people when it comes to personal food preferences: he loves his meats n BBQ n thick collagen soup n heavy tasting food, whereas nothing satisfies me more than simple Chinese fare like rice with stir-fry sides and soup, or hor fun or fishball noodles. He loves lamb and I cannot stand the smell of it. I love fish but he can’t stand eating it.

It’s perfectly fine that we have our personal preferences, afterall God made us two different people. However, the contention often comes in when I feel overwhelmed by the obstacles that lay in my path when I’m planning meals.

Often, I would be thinking, many husbands will be thankful to come home to a lovingly homecooked meal, but somehow the situation is quite different in our family. Often, I face subtly displeasure at my choice of food cooked, or complaints when it’s more carbs than meat.

The truth is, I feel trapped in this area. Very trapped.

I don’t feel empowered to make healthy meal plans for my family because every corner I turn, I hit a wall.

Breakfasts have to be meat-based. So that requires cooking time in the mornings when time is not something I have on my side. Eggs cook fast but they don’t work coz GY wouldn’t eat them and neither does the little berry.

Even if I try to get around this obstacle by precooking sth like meat balls and freezing them, GY doesn’t eat them, and the little berry doesn’t eat a lot of it because she finds it hard to stomach protein so early in the morning. And I end up feeling like a failure, that my efforts are completely wasted, and what’s the point of doing something no one appreciates.

Lunch has to be cooked in the rushed 3-hr break when the little berry goes to school, and I have to ensure that she gets something to eat and so do I. This is done in the midst of laundry loads, breakfast washing up, eating my own breakfast, trying to squeeze in QT… And I feel bad when GY is around but there’s no food for him to eat because I haven’t had time to cook his lunch.

In fact, this whole having lunch at home or not thing is very fuzzy because I don’t ever know whether he’ll be around to eat lunch, and if he is and there’s no food for him, it’s like an arrow to my heart when he says things like, “there’s nothing for me to eat at home.” At the heart of the matter, I think my frustrations stem from 2 things: one being the desire to have lunch with him at home, the other being the lack of communication on his needs to me.

Dinner has to be prepared while the little berry naps, and that’s usually the only break I get in the day when she’s back from school. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just bad at planning or I’m simply disheartened by the lack of enthusiasm at my meal plans.

Time-efficient dishes like casseroles, one-pot dishes, stews, soups, are out because GY doesn’t like them. That leaves me with things like meats I can cook in the oven and even then, they’re not always welcomed. He’s always telling me to BBQ our dinners but I wonder if that’s really a healthy choice for the family esp with the carcinogen and often overly-salted food.

In the midst of my frustrations, shooting thoughts enter my mind, like: why don’t you choose to eat your carbs instead of drink them? That’ll make life so much easier for me. Why can’t you see things from my perspective? It’s not easy to cook for you. Why don’t you see how hard I try, even though I have so little time?

Essentially, I feel disheartened by the whole homecooking thing, and I’ve been feeling this way for a long time without a way out.

I feel stressed just thinking about how I’m going to cope with meals after Miriam comes along, when there’s going to be an eternal period of lack-of-time. I really do wonder that since we want to do everything ourselves without hiring domestic help, something’s gotta give.

Either we eat outside food, or we compromise on our selection of homecooked meals so they can be more efficiently prepared, or I spontaneously human combust from the stress of managing meals at home.

My in-laws are away for a month, which means I’ll have two more dinners to settle every week until they come back. I get a headache just thinking about that.

Much as I want to please my husband, I feel this is one area I really struggle with, and am beginning to detest. Cooking for loved ones should be a joy, but why does it feel so different?