Things I can’t change
There are certain things in life I know I cannot control. Like the weather. Or how Miriam will turn out. Or my husband’s spiritual life. The last of which, I struggle with the most.
I know for a fact that there’s nothing I can do that will make him more passionate about the things of God, or feel a greater desire to spend time with God on a daily basis, or seek out mentors who can inspire him. I know that. I pray about it, I think about it, I tell God about it.
But yet, I struggle. Really struggle.
I wonder where do I draw the line as his helper. Do I nag him to do his QT, like my MPC course instructor told wives to do? Do I talk to him about my own spiritual walk, which I myself struggle with sometimes? Do I introduce him to Godly men he can clique with so they can journey together? Would he be interested?
More often than not, I find myself digging pitfalls. I would try to take on more things/chores at home just so he can have more free time – which he will hopefully spend wisely, with God. As I go about the chores, hope builds up in me. But when I see him squandering precious time away on social media, or reading manga, I feel let down, deflated and angry.
It’s not fair because I’ve pinned on him invisible, unspoken expectations out of my desire to see him doing something fruitful with his time to draw close to God. But when I see him on his iPad, all I can think of is why are you wasting your time like that? Can’t you see that I’ve given you a gift of time, out of my own crazy schedule, and you should be using it wisely? Why are you wasting it away like that? Can’t you see that devotion time with God is a discipline, and you have to play your part too? How is it that you can be disciplined with training your physical body, but totally opposite with your spiritual body, which is the one that won’t waste away?
As these thoughts run through my mind, I get more and more upset, and it often explodes in one way or another – through a negative comment, or an exasperated sigh, or a simmering heart that is anything but content.
And right after I let it rip, I regret. I see what I’ve done didn’t help, and I’m once again lost as to what does.
Dear Lord, please don’t let me spiral down this path again. I know it’s something that the devil has trapped me in, somewhere he knows I’m prone to fall, and he’s using it fully to his advantage. Lord I pray that you win in this. I pray that I’ll listen to your voice, and hear what I should be doing to be a good helpmate to GY. I pray that you’ll revive his spiritual life in a way no one else can – and that the entire household will see and rise up to praise you. That his walk will be witness for you to the little berry, that even without words, she can see you in her papa’s life. And see that you are real. Lord, begin by changing me. Change the way I see him, the things I expect of him, help me surrender him to you and trust that you love him enough to draw him close in the ways you know best. In Jesus’ name, amen.