by thewallflowerchapter

I guess mothering, just like any other job out there, has its good and bad days. And today wasn’t a particularly good day.

In the morning, I heard the little berry crying while GY changed her diaper. Wanted to go in and help but thought better of it. When they finally emerged, I told him that I usually nurse her first and then I got told not to do so in the future.

I guess the point is that after a long night alone, she just wants our company, wants to feel loved and be held by us for a while before we do anything else to her… I didn’t get a chance to say that. Instead, I said “Yeah yeah it’s always my fault”.

The rest of the morning was spent wondering whether the little berry’s brain had been permanently damaged after she’d fallen not from, but with the high chair. I was preparing her food in the kitchen when I suddenly heard a loud thud.

I turned and saw her on the floor, still strapped in to the high chair. She was crying and screaming and in pain. I quickly went to her, uprighted the chair, unstrapped her and carried her to comfort her. She calmed down quite quickly but now sports a bruise on her forehead.

I was wrought with guilt..

I can’t be sure if it was because of this fall or teething or hunger, but she just doesn’t seem to take well to the idea of me leaving her alone, whether in e chair or playpen or even on e floor, and walking away to do something else. She would whine or complain or if she’s on the floor, come crawling after me at top speed.

Is she in some discomfort she can’t communicate? I did see her wincing after dinner, as though she’s trying to chew on something bothering her in the gums.

I guess the point is, I’m uncomfortable with the fact that I can no longer read her very well, or know specifically what she wants. And I feel like a failure because of that, even though I know full well that no one really knows what their children need/want all the time.

In times of despair, I must remember to give thanks…

For the very effortful dinner GY prepared, and washed up after – despite coming home tired from training. He even mopped the floor without me asking.

For the smiles I get to see when playing and reading with the little berry, when she’s not cranky.

That the little berry is healthy, and cheeky and loving.

For the handrolls and Nasi Lemak GY bought, which settled my breakfast and lunch.