Rejoice always … for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
—1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I read it from someone else’s account before, and never thought it’ll happen to me.
It’s strange to wake up and feeling like I’m behind time already. Like there’s a million things piled up waiting for me to do and I feel defeated because I know I’m going to lose.
Day slips into day, before I know it the morning is over and the little berry is napping. I tip toe around the house picking up things, get things ready in the kitchen, hang the laundry, try to get chopper to keep quiet, wonder why are there so many things cluttering up the house and why am I the only one who feels bothered by it.
The way I’m bothered by the drool-stained dirty floor. The fast food dinners. The glass bottles lying at the sink. The little things here and there, left unnoticed.
The little berry wakes up. I feed her, or at least try to. She makes a mess and I clean her up. I prepare dinner and before I know it the sun is setting. We hurry through dinner and wash up before we put her to bed.
I climb into bed for a few moments, waiting to be awoken by her cries, sure to come at some point. GY and I lay side by side, staring into our own screens. I see the blue light. I go in and out of our room. In the middle of the night, in and out, in and out.
Finally it’s morning. The start of another day. I wake up with a headache, a norm these days. I kiss GY goodbye in bed and begin the losing battle.
These days I find myself slumped over the sink. I feel myself move, and it feels like I’m in slow motion. I can’t catch up with the ticking of time. And I feel weighed down by its passing.
Is this what it feels like to be robbed of joy? I get snatches of joy here and there though. When I hear the little berry’s chuckles. When I see her gummy smile. But overall, I feel heavy burdened. I feel like I’m on a losing streak, a very long one.
I feel trapped by the doing. Because i don’t do, things happen. If I don’t cook, we eat fast food. If I don’t pick up after everyone, the house accumulates into a mess. If I don’t wipe up the drool on the floor, the little berry crawls on the floor and licks it.
And yet today I read about God’s will for us to rejoice. am I not walking in His will then, since I’m not rejoicing? How do I give thanks in all circumstances when I feel like I’m losing all the time?