by thewallflowerchapter

Ever since GY told me that he’s willing and able to support me staying home to take care of the little berry for another year, it’s been a crazy couple of days as my thoughts did their trampoline tumbles in my head.

On one hand, I was excited and happy beyond belief to be given this privilege of taking care of the little berry and watching her grow up.

My head was bursting with fantasies of juggling motherhood with painting and selling my art pieces on etsy, or writing children’s books, or even just doing a bit of freelance writing or designing from home. I was also happy to be able to provide healthy home cooked meals for my family although sometimes that can be a challenge time-wise.

On the other hand, I was really scared about taking the leap into being a stay home mum, whom we all know has no off days or remuneration scheme, and are often taken for granted at home.

No more lazy afternoons of surfing Facebook or watching movie trailers. No more 2-hour lunch breaks. No need to dress up and look good to meet clients.

Total financial dependence on GY also meant I no longer enjoy the pride of earning my keep.

Adult conversations and intellectual stimulation would be limited. I was afraid I’ll lose touch with society, and like LH says, become even more of a social recluse than I already am.

It’s like when I’m suddenly presented with the very thing I’ve prayed so long for, I’m not so sure anymore.

Feelings of inadequacy (am I really the best person to take care of the little berry? Maybe someone else can do a better job?), fear (what if I can’t handle the work at home? What if I’m taken for granted? What if I can’t catch up if I have to go back to work? Am I a financial burden to GY?), and doubt (did God answer my prayer because of my willful pestering? could there be a different path he would have preferred for me?).

But underlying these, there’s also a sense of excitement (all the activities I can do together with the little berry! And maybe I can finally be a practicing artist!), joy (I get to see the little berry everyday!), and gratitude (I didn’t think this option would be made available to me and was bracing myself to go back to full time work).

I processed these jumbled thoughts with GY the other night. He listened patiently to a teary me and what he said really helped to assure me.

He said that what I’m about to step into is a job, it’s working for the family and he’s really glad that I’m willing to do this for us.

He said that the whole point of him earning money is so that he can provide for the family, this includes providing the opportunity for the little berry to be taken care of by her own parents, whom he thinks are the best childcare options for her.

He said that I shouldn’t feel bad or that I’m a burden to him. These are thoughts from the evil one trying to rob me of the joy in entering this phase of life.

His words are like salve to a gaping wound and I really thank God we had the chance to talk this through.

I’m still in a state of disbelief that I can actually stay home full time. I should probably spend the next couple of days seeking God about this, and perhaps plan some form of structure to my days at home so I can be more productive and efficient.