The impending question

by thewallflowerchapter

Close to two months have flown past in the blink of an eye. These days, I can’t help but think about the impending question I dread to answer – What’s going to happen come January 2013?

Even though it can be utterly unglamorous staying home to clean buttocks and change diapers, I would love to be the one to take care of my little berry as she grows up. I know that if I were to be a stay-at-home mum, I would probably lose touch with society, have little or no income, and possibly wonder from time to time if I’m missing out on a possible career path which would bring me satisfaction and money. All that could happen.

But I also know that beneath it all, my heart lies with my Family.

No amount of money or awards or work recognition could satisfy me the same way.

Every Sunday, I share my prayer requests with my sisters (this is how we stay close after all these years. People who pray together, stay together). And one of my prayer requests since my pregnancy days has constantly been for my work/childcare arrangements.

Every time I go running, my prayers turn to what’s going to happen come end of the year.

When I nurse the little berry in the middle of the night, my thoughts sometimes turn to the same thing. Then I return to bed wide awake, desperately brainstorming ideas of how I can earn income while taking care of her full time.

I want to work from home, but freelance copywriting/design gigs are sporadic, and I’ve got to take time to build up a customer base. And looking at the way my days pan out now, I reckon the only time I can properly work is 12-7am, intermittently.

If I were to work part time, say 2-3 days a week, I probably won’t be able to draw the income I need, and I haven’t started looking for options this way either.

If I were to not work altogether and dig into my savings, I’ll probably last till the little berry is a year old, then maybe she can go to some sort of play school and I can find part time work.

If I were to go back to full time work, I’ll earn my keep and feel miserable.

I feel anxious to head in one direction yet stuck because I don’t know which direction to take. If I were to quit my job, I’ll still need to serve one month’s notice. But shouldn’t I at least try to explore some sort of part time arrangements with them first?

I haven’t got any solutions yet, but something I read today resonated with me, and reminded me that even if all else fails and I have to go back to work full time, God will be watching over my little berry.

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I guess if you look into the heart, the problem is almost always there. When maternal instincts kick in, every fibre of your being wants to be close to your child, to tend to him when he cries, to make sure everything’s alright, to witness every developmental milestone he crosses.

That’s one of the misses of being a full-time working mum.

As usual, I try to distract myself with all the things I need to do, including getting my eyebrows plucked. At the very least, I should try to look good for the occasion?

But, no. I’m still learning to let go. Let go of the mummy-things from 9-6 on weekdays, of the worries and fears of the 2154 things that could possibly happen to the kids when I’m away.

And the next step? Letting God handle it. Okay, he won’t check my emails for me, but he will take care of things at home surely. This is one of the perks of following and loving our good God…knowing that he will never fail, even when I stumble all over myself.

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